Feed the Taco

Gifts

2009-07-22T19:18:00.001-05:00

Gifts, they’re a strange thing. At what point do you actually feel obligated to buy someone a gift? Is there some sort of expectation or are you trying to be nice?

I’m beginning to think the need to get a gift should indicate you shouldn’t actually give a gift. People you care about, you should routinely do nice things for them, because it’ll make them feel better about themselves or at least reaffirm you still care. But to do something for someone because it’s Boxing Day, it seems kind of cheap.

Maybe I’m being too hard on people, it’s easy to get caught up in stuff and the background of your life can get neglected. At the same time, this seems like a red flag regarding your life style.

X-men, failed or misplaced metaphor

2009-07-14T20:56:00.001-05:00

I love X-men comics, don’t get me wrong. However, the comic has some huge flaws in their message about minority struggles. The X-men try to work at building harmony between humans and mutants while living in a world that hates and fears them. Okay, heard that a million times. Only, the x-men are doing it from a mansion, with top of the line technology and all while having powers that set them far above the common man. This isn’t really what I think about when I hear the term, “Minority Struggle.”

Unless the X-men are actually a metaphor for the wealthy elite, trying to keep society from self-destructing through the intervention of tech and power. Rich people are also a minority after all. The humans, who outnumber the mutants considerably, show a lot of similarities to peasants who’ve famously formed mobs throughout history to kill the elite. The humans are also less intelligent and tend to make a lot of rash decisions that end up biting them in the ass. The Sentinels attacked humans, the legacy virus infects humans (though this was a Mutant creation in most canon), and the weapon programs (i.e. Weapon X or Wolverine) tend to kill more humans than mutants in the end. It seems trying to destroy the mutant population always turns out worse for humanity (unless Mutants do it) and without the mutants, we’d all be doomed (how many times have the x-men saved the planet?).

Then there’s the Phoenix, a mutant that’s pretty much a god. Yea…

It also doesn’t help that the marvel universe is literally bursting with super humans. The mutant metaphor doesn’t really work that well when the billion other super humans that are indistinguishable from mutants tend to get along just fine despite mutants being hounded constantly for their powers. Not to mention the Avengers also live in a mansion, have super powers, the latest technology, and are pretty much the X-men relabeled as super heroes instead of struggling minorities, aside for the mutants who also happen to be in the Avengers.

It’d make a lot more sense if someone like Spider-Man was a mutant. He actually struggles in his day-to-day live and the media hates him. Spider-Man is also always out of money and is paid by the very man who exploits him.

Should the X-men be rewritten? Nah. But the writers should be a little more aware of this as they make new comics.

America, The Apartment Complex

2009-07-05T20:07:00.001-05:00

The fourth of July. If firing fireworks from the middle of the street at midnight and covering the road in smoke isn’t patriotic, I don’t know what is. During this time, many people are trying to remind of us how great their nation is.

I’m beginning to wonder, why do so many people call America their country? It seems to belittle the greatness they associate with the country by saying they are in some way capable of possessing it and at the same time it seems to indicate it isn’t mine as well.

America is a lot like an apartment complex. We pay our rent and in return we get basic services. It’s our home, but we don’t own it. We’re all just leasing and we have certain tenant rights and expectations or a lease agreement. So many people argue about those rights and expectations: secured entry, lease termination, when we can move furniture but at some point I have to wonder, when does America stop being just an apartment complex and becomes something more and do we really want it to actually become something more?

I’ve yet to meet a landlord I liked. In fact, I’ve yet to meet an apartment manager I’ve liked. Both groups tend to suck; they attract a certain type of scumbag trying to exploit people and do as little work as possible. It’s a pretty good analogy for politicians I’d say. So… why the heck do I want my landlord getting more power? Is it worth it to say the complex I live in has super awesome nukes? I mean, it’s an apartment complex run by landlords. I’m a little uncomfortable with that idea. So… should we really be proud when our apartment complex starts being more than an apartment complex? Or maybe we should become a little concerned.

2009-02-18T19:05:00.003-06:00

I often wonder how’d Valentine’s Day become so marketable? Giving people cards to express your desire is kind of weird. If some stranger came up to me and gave me a card that said, “You’re cute.” My first two responses would be, did this individual see me and decided to make a card or does she keep a pile of “you’re cute” cards in her bag for hotties?

You know what, I realize Valentine’s has become over marketed and is usually just an attempt for sex, but I wouldn’t mind seeing more gestures like this. Why can’t there be healthy candies that read, “You’re valued” or “let’s take dance lessons.” The world should make an attempt to connect with each other more than few times a year. So I propose people celebrate spontaneous Valentine’s Day! It’s like normal Valentine’s day, only you don’t see it coming and the corporations can’t prepare a media blitz for it.

And ladies, you don’t have to wait for spontaneous Valentine’s Day to occur. I wouldn’t mind if you tried to have sex with me because it’s a cheesy holiday. Happy Boxing Day, let’s get naked! Though I would settle for a simple date.

Friday the 13th

2009-02-12T22:38:00.001-06:00

From Producer Michael Bay comes Friday the 13th. I’m betting the movie has two explosions. Any backers?

Also, I’m sure it’ll suck hard.

On the bright side, I’m glad Hollywood and the horror genre are being so creative and remaking a movie that only has about a million sequels.

Spring Poo

2009-02-07T16:35:00.001-06:00

Ugg, why is it every time the snow starts melting I’m treated to a hidden stash of poo? April showers wash away March Poo? Wait, it’s still February, the weather is all messed up.

Fun Litter

2009-01-24T16:47:00.001-06:00

Society has a lot of fun little drawbacks. One of them is litter. A few days ago, I found a used pregnancy test in the street. I thought to myself, “really?” I mean, was this really such a concern that you had to take the test right there on the street? I can appreciate this woman’s ambition. Imagine if everyone approached all their problems with such need. Still, I wonder what kind of world that woman is going to bring her kid up in, what with her littering in it and all. Also, that plastic test isn’t biodegrading anywhere.

A more common litter is the condom. It seems the worse the neighborhood I’m in the more likely I am to find a condom. I guess if I lived in a dangerous part of town, I’d rather have sex in a back alley instead of risk getting mugged on the way home and dying before I could have sex. This may also explain the pregnancy test. If you’re going to "do it" in the streets, you might as well take care of some other business out there as well.

The most annoying litter today has to be the cell phone. Whenever a new technology becomes cheap, it starts becoming litter. Writable CDs were the “in” litter five years ago (not surprising given most people’s taste in trendy music) but now cell phones have become the tech junk of the day. I get it, you’re out of minutes. That doesn’t mean you have to smash your phone on the street. You could just get more minutes.

I'll admit, I don't miss all the smashed glass bottles. They're still around but, plastic as really reduced their numbers even if it's fucking up the environment.

Left 4 Dead: A Microcosm of Politics

2009-01-10T21:59:00.004-06:00

L4D is a game that focuses on cooperative play and the political experiences I’ve seen while playing are staggering.

I’m pretty good at first-person shooters and I know L4D pretty well. As such, I often end up leading my team. I’m not a particularly active leader, since I feel uncomfortable experimenting with tactics with people I don’t know and will probably never meet again. However, I often offer advice and bark orders into the microphone and strangely enough, most of my orders are followed.

It’s odd, how many times in our life do we just go into a setting and someone takes command? Cashiers are a pretty good example, whenever we go into a restaurant or store, these thankless servants attempt to maintain order among hundreds, sometimes thousands, of people and just like in L4D, sometimes a dick gets in the checkout line.

Since L4D is often a public game and the players can come and go as they please, you can find yourself fighting a horde of zombies with someone who’s a complete ass. All he does is complain, yell at people, and makes it pretty difficult to be around him. These guys destroy the group dynamic and rarely offer anything constructive. In a way, he’s a lot like a blogger, only he has a shotgun and thus we tolerate him.

Perhaps the most significant moment in my memory was when another leader figure was in a game I was playing. Only this leader sucked. He kept leading charges through side corridors looking for gear we didn’t really need and all the time zombies kept coming at us while we rarely got closer to our objective. How often in life do political leaders keep making terrible discussions and wasting our resources while various issues keep coming up? Yet, I didn’t get involved. Like Hobbes, I figured some form of government was better than none. We were getting towards our objective, be it slowly. A democracy would have taken too long to establish and L4D often designs their levels to make group decisions unnecessary. Establishing a democratic system may have been a total waste of time anyway since the US democracy often can’t get participation so why should my game be any different? I could have tried to wrestle for control of power, but really, what was the point? The conflict would have distracted too much from the zombies and the game would be over in a hour.

Who knew zombies were such political animals?

The Influence of Video Games on our Psychology

2009-01-04T13:44:00.004-06:00

I’ve played my fair share of video games. Lately, I’ve been wondering what kind of long term repercussions video games are going to have. A lot of people already talk about the increased tendency for violence. It seems true to a point, in a study people who played Wolfenstein 3D tended to be more aggressive in a follow up test than people who played Myst. But Myst was also a video game. It seems to depend on the game, which makes me wonder, what else depends on the game?

What are the consequences of instant gratification, lack of creativity and consequences, and isolation. People are always going to escape reality for a time, but things like books at least offered a means to expand your vocabulary. I fear games like Gears of War aren’t having a similar benefit. Would it kill the makers of the game to sneak in some decent vocabulary?

My creativity and consequence fear seems to get worse as years pass. So many games just give you a gun and point you in a direction. Really, is this the best the gaming community’s writers can do? Video games have such potential to tell stories, but all we hear is “die zombie!”

Speaking of dead zombies, when you die, oh well, it’s cool. I admit I don’t miss the old days from King’s Quest when you’d end up stuck because you didn’t pick up a shoe earlier than a Yeti would kill you. Even worse, you have no idea why you’re stuck, because there was no hope of going back for the shoe! Still, I’d like to see that if I interact with my world, the world changes. So many video games are limited to, “you’re an evil dick!” or “You’re such a nice guy.” There has to be more than two generic moral sides in the world!

The repetitiveness can’t be healthy either. Japanese RPGs and MMOs are crazy popular and most of those games are just hours of endless boar killing for experience or a rare drop. I mean… is this really what people want? Is this the answer to happiness scholars couldn’t answer for years, killing boars for 12 hours straight? I’m overcome with hopelessness just thinking about it.

Also, the isolation, sure people can find online buddies. But it lacks the intimacy and reliable of someone you know in the meat. I can ask someone I know if they want to get some tea, I can’t ask my cyber buddy. I realize cyber cafes may be a solution to this, but I don’t think most of these cafes are really interested in helping people make friends. Just taking your money. Perhaps if gaming companies and these cafes worked together more, it may provide some better solutions, but most of these cafes fail so quickly that may be impossible.

Alright, so I’m concerned with some issues, what am I going to do? I’m not really sure what I can do. World of Warcraft actually seems to be trying to improve their game a bit, if only in small areas. But given their subscription rates, there is nothing I can say that will influence Blizzard. And while Blizzard keeps making cash, people are going to keep copying them. I guess it’s going to come down to what these communities want to do and since I avoid these kind of online interactions, I may not be involved with these things. But if the entire community speaks up and protests, it could create some changes, but such organization and commitment seems unlikely for now.

Taco's Political Career

2008-07-09T20:54:00.003-05:00

MaximumTacolord has begun looking into politics as a possible career. Politics is weird, like, most people don’t know much about the process. Sure, there are elections and red tape. Otherwise, what the hell goes on? This may be a reason for the popularity of conspiracies. So much of the political system is a mystery. How is something so inefficient and corruptible able to mobilize a million troops with advanced weaponry? There has to be some dark cult of old men plotting and manipulating the world, right?

I think it’s something else, middle management. Most politicians are just policy makers. They tell the gardener to plant rose bushes and eventually roses appear and the politician takes all the credit. If tulips appear, then the politician either takes some heat or he or she just says tulips are better anyway. The politician never actually gets their hands dirty.

In regards to the government, most politicians are just hiring other people to do the job for them and aren’t able to provide much oversight, largely because the oversight is done by other people hired to make sure people are doing their jobs. What happens when the new middle management does something crazy or is trying to hide what they’ve done from the politician, a conspiracy! Now the politician is confused and can’t do much else besides lie and thus a string of lies and cover-ups begins. Besides making policy, their words are pretty much their only power. That, billions of dollars, a network of powerful corporations and old money, and a vast council of advisers and lobbyists.

With this in mind, I don’t think Taco is going to like high ranking politics, too many middlemen and lies. But something small and local, something he can get his hands dirty with, that might be more his style.

Progress as a means to measure our lives.

2008-02-18T08:30:00.004-06:00

Most people don’t seem to establish a reason, in itself, to live. A lot get by on other people putting responsibility on their shoulders. Children have to get good grades, adults need to pay off dental bills, and prostitutes better have their pimp’s money. This lifestyle is measured by progress. Everyday is another step towards something. People may not be sure what they’re working towards, but at least it’s getting closer to a desired goal (theoretically). This theory is a problem, because your goal can be destroyed or stomped on with ease. If a delivery man gets stuck in traffic, life is awful because his route is going to take longer. When a student graduates, there are no more grades to measure his or her worth. Basically, just about anyone can walk up to your dreams and kick them in the balls.

Oddly enough, the efforts of others to help or get in your way make this way of life more glorious. Their efforts essentially measure yours. If you try to have sex with as many women as possible, the disgust women show is a measure of your goal’s value. Despite women hating you for how you treat them, you’re still plowing eight of them a week.

I guess someone could make this means of life more adaptable by measuring their life by several standards of progress. Though, trying to avoid burning out may prove more difficult as a result.

My primary beef with this lifestyle is the fear of new things. Most people have to-do lists they never get around to doing. On the list are things like writing a novel or learning to dance. Why don’t they get around to the items on the list, my theory is progress. How is someone supposed to make enough progress in something they have no knowledge of to avoid looking foolish next to people who’ve danced or written for years? Some items on the list may be nearly impossible to make any progress with at all. Publishing a well received book is a freakin’ mystery to me. My twin, Tacolord, has been rejected as a writer by dozens of groups in several genres. Not even video game companies will respond to him. It’s gotten to a point that he’s doubting himself as a writer. Why? Because he’s made no progress. So what’s the alternative? Don’t ask me, I’m an absurdist.

I figured out why adults listen to talk radio!

2007-07-12T23:57:00.001-05:00

Talk radio, as a kid, I wondered why old people listened to it. Conservative ramblings were especially difficult for my young mind to grasp, it didn’t matter what a politician promised to do about the economy, my parents still beat me and the priests still threatened to kill me if I talked about Sunday school. The hosts never covered the topics that mattered to me: green nose rockets, ninja, talking cats, or Catlain.

As time became another crime statistic and was thrown into the ocean like any other dead whore, I gained power over the radio dial and suddenly I understood why people listen to talk radio. Every music station on the radio sucks a random play list’s reproductive organ. I can listen to 10 minutes of any station and assuming a song actually plays, 99% of the time, I’ve already heard it. Country, rap, rock, jazz, it doesn’t matter. All the stations play the same thing from their genre, it’s sickening. Even worse, I’ve come to hate every one of these genres and yet, they still find a way to find me. Through showroom speakers, advertising, or douchebags who ensure everyone within several blocks can hear a song because their stereo system is destroying their hearing, I can’t escape this mainstream garbage. It’s enough to force me into the polluted, rapidly disappearing forests to escape it all.

Apparently, talk radio can’t get away with this. We have to listen to the same freakin’ story from our friends a million times. No way are we going to endure the same mindless filler willingly on the way to martial arts practice or work. And that’s all the radio is, something to occupy our minds as we do something tedious so we don’t have to meditate and face the horrible realities of our lives. Silence is a horrible nightmare of memories assaulting our consciousness.

Perhaps the oddest thing about talk radio is the host. Public radio seems to cover a wide range of topics, usually expanded on by experts and then by the emotionally uncontrolled callers. Sometimes the caller is some timid female who keeps checking herself as to not offend the expert and other times it’s just some moron with a stick so far up his bum that it touches his brain and causes anything closely related to the issue to drive him into a mild rage. Music stations don’t have hosts; they have “DJs. A DJ doesn’t seem to have any skills at all. They don’t even have a personality, it’s creepy. All they talk about are ads, parties, sex, drugs, and mainstream music. Often cheesy soundboards find their way into the show, which just serve to insure more repetitive sounds make it on the air. I’m not sure what a DJ even does in the studio, couldn’t they be replaced by robots with deep pleasing voices? Maybe a Morgan Freeman clone. Still, people find a reason to listen, so a market must be there for it.

Later.

Spartan Parties

2006-05-15T08:28:00.000-05:00

I wonder what it was like back in the old days of Sparta when someone decided to throw a party or just have company over. Think about it, a Spartan’s idea of a party is eating some bread and having butt sex (that last part is usually neglected from our current homophobic history books). But really, some guy comes over to hang out and you offer him some bread and he asks you, “Hey, can I get some water with that?”

You respond with a “yea” and he totally gets excited because bread and water is all he eats and he’s about to get both! To express this he starts jamming on his air lute or whatever instrument they had back then. A party must be like that, but times a bunch of people. Everyone walks by a bread table and a bowl of water. The only music is some dude singing and another dude on some drums made from rocks.

The women in the society must have thrown similar parties, only mostly made up of women instead of men. Totally a party I’d love to be at, if not for the tons of aggressive women who made a habit of being able to destroy men. In retrospect I don’t know much about Spartan society, let alone how the women entertained themselves. What is a society that produces almost nothing besides war going to share with the generations over 2000 years later besides romantic notions of bread parties? Honestly, I can’t think of a thing!

The Power Rangers

2006-04-30T02:53:00.001-05:00

I don’t really watch TV anymore, aside from what I get off the internet or when I’m waiting on a wash machine in some strange location. I hear that power ranger show is still going. How is that even possible? I wonder if the writing got any better. When I was a kid, I loved the show for awhile. But I started getting upset; the bad guys never deserved to win. Their tactics sucked, they had the ability to send tons of monsters to this planet but usually just sent one. Unless of course they decided to send a whole bunch of old defeated monsters to fight, but those guys got wrecked. After a super hard fought battle, the bad guys would just give up. Why not just send more monsters? Or send in more of those puddy things? If the rangers were really that drained, the minor minions should finish them easily.

Also, the rangers had to defeat every monster twice, once on the ground and again in their zords.Here was a huge flaw in the bad guy tactics; the zords were way more powerful than the rangers. And when the zords formed together as one, it was like fighting a god of war. What were the bad guys thinking? Why didn’t they A. send more monsters to help out and destroy the zords or rangers on the ground. B. just destroy at least one zord unmanned (the bad guys could watch the battles from the moon, couldn’t watch the zords go back into their hiding spot?) or C. kill one of the rangers when they haven’t morphed? Without one member of the team, they couldn’t form into a complete unit and the good guys would be screwed! The show was about team work right, well, there is no team in death! Honestly. I remember one episode the bad guys snuck into a ranger’s room but didn’t kill the ranger. They stole her doll. What are they thinking? She was right there, they teleported right next to her! Why didn’t they just shot her in the head and say good game. Or teleport the ranger into the sun. Or just summon a giant monster to step on the ranger’s house while they were sleeping!

Also, how’d this little group of “rangers” manage to outfit and maintain so many weapons of mass destruction without any government involvement? They never got any funding or resources, yet they always seemed to have all the ammo and raw materials they needed. Repairs never took more than a couple of minutes. These monsters would knock those machines all over the place, but the machines were brand new the next day. Also, why’d the monsters only attack one city? Why not just go all over the place and kill off humanity? Without any support those rangers would eventually die, who’d feed them and drive them to their “juice bar?

Who knows, maybe that show actually has some good writers. Someone who’s read the art of war like, 40 times. That’d be awesome. No way am I going to watch it, because I know the version in my head is far better than anything their 4 dollar budget is going to create. Sometimes dreams truly are better than reality.

I hate café press.

2006-04-19T20:22:00.001-05:00

Every time I see a café press shirt the same story goes through my mind. Someone makes a website on geocities. The kind of site with spinning gifs scattered all about with no thought to layout, content, or copyright laws. Often the designer(s) have no knowledge of html and just use a template like your common blogger. Geocities was basically the blog of the early 90’s. Only instead of telling all of 4 visitors about your day you talk about your cat, girlfriend, or post pictures from the yearbook and get harassing phone calls from your friend’s parents fearing the cyberstalkers are already in their bushes because their child’s photo made it onto the porn hub that is the internet (funny, because now those cyberstalkers will find you with the magic of blogs. No one found a damn thing besides ads with Geocities). At this point, the site has about three and a half pages connected crudely together through a list of links at the center of the main page and someone gets the great idea to “make T-shirts.” These “designers” had no idea how to make a website. How do you think they’ll make a T-shirt? Exactly the same way. Only now it's on a Hanes’ unisex shirt, teddy bear, mug, and bumper sticker.

The story ends and you find yourself once again looking at a café press shirt wondering if anyone actually buys these things. I’m sure some people use café press for reasons that make sense. Like going to weird shirt party and labeling yourself and all your friends so you have an icebreaker. Perhaps you want your peers to read your blogs while afk and post them on t-shirts (I also hate these people). This usually isn’t the case, people think they can make a little money by putting some junk on a T-shirt and selling it (the rummage sale of shirts). But that’s the problem; your shirt has no creative design. You don’t even see the shirt modeled; it’s just a standard +1 shirt with a gif pasted in the center.

Now I sympathize, I know a guy who works on a website and wants to sell some shirts. The profits (if any came about) would cover his domain name and bandwidth costs. It’d also help advertise the site and perhaps even pay for a veggie burger. But he realizes this is one of those things that needs to be professionally done (or he should learn how to do it professionally), otherwise the end result is going to be an iffy product not worthy of his name. Long story short, if you care enough to sell it to others; care enough to sell something you’d use yourself.

Kitchen Light is broken

2006-04-18T22:09:00.001-05:00

The florescent bulb in the kitchen is burning out or something. It looks like someone’s about to get murdered every time you go to make a sandwich. Those flickering rays of light wash away all desire to live the more they bath your body. I’m not sure if our landlord is supposed to deal with dying light bulbs or if the idiots being taxed for shelter are, as such no one has touched the thing. Literally, no one. I’d rather spread mystery condiments over whatever I pulled out of a baggie in the dark than risk another barrage of suicide waves.

I wonder if there have been any studies about the blind being more depressed because of their lack of light. It seems to destroy the will to live of those who can see. I guess that’d be a hard study, blind people have more than their fair share to be depressed about. It may make a difference if they were born blind or not. But who knows, maybe the level of light does things to a blind person’s mood as well. They can feel the light after all.

Dance with Death

2006-04-15T18:39:00.001-05:00

Let’s face it, most of us fear death. We see it all the time and really have no freakin’ clue what happens during it. It’s a mystery is what it is and we fear the worst. When we look towards our own death, we consider what others will think. Will they enjoy it, will they mourn, will the funeral serve free drinks? Perhaps the worst thing we fear is our own doubts. That voice in our heads that always screams when we glance into the mirror or talk to a pretty member of the opposite sex (or same if you’re into that kind of thing). The voice that points out all the flaws and desires we may have at any given moment. This is the voice that looks towards the sun and watches it bleed into night. The most beautiful and grand of deaths.

“If only our corpse could look that great,” it says to us as we watch sunsets with our loved ones or alone from our rooms. If only our passing could plunge so many into darkness. That’s the worst part about dying, the sun does it everyday and there is no way we can even consider our passing to be in anyway as grand as that. Combined with only our ability to only think about ourselves, this creates quite a forlorn situation for those who look towards their own death and the lack of need for a moon

You may die, who cares?

2006-04-14T04:21:00.001-05:00

Tacolord is in his “mortality” mood again. This is when he realizes he still hasn’t become famous yet and questions how much longer he has to live. The guy acts like being on the Colbert Report is the secret to happiness. I understand Taco has a limited time on this Earth, what with Vanessa Carlton building an army of demons in a single effort to kill him. But that’s not a reason to start giving up Zen in order to work on a lame website.

Of course he makes arguments like, he needs to leave behind something to help guide the world towards realizing their absurdity but look how great that worked out for Becket, the guy is freakin’ studied by academics. ACADEMICS! One of the fathers of absurdism, being broken down by idiots paying untold thousands of dollars to have some professor tell them what a meaningless play “means.”

And we have Jenni. That chick that he dedicates tons of stuff to in an attempt to bring her along towards his grab at immortality. Yea, what a gift. You end up getting so famous that you leave a footnote towards this chick so “artists” can take pilgrimages to her house to steal tampons and ask for hugs. What a honor! In 16 years I'm sure every woman is going to ask for a following of idiot, touchy-feely hippies.

Man, people need to stop worrying about dying and spend more time sitting around doing nothing. Bunch of over-educated, production fearing, smarties is what ya’all are.

Zombie Patrol

2006-04-13T12:50:00.000-05:00

As a member of Zombie slayer, chapter 7, it is my duty to aid in the eradication of zombies. Often a zombie apocalypse begins with just a few zombies. So me and a couple of guys have establish a patrol to hunt zombies to keep the risk of infection at a minimum. Today marks the end of our 12^th patrol. It was another slow night, usually we get bored around an hour or two into the watch and decide to work on the anti-zombie propaganda. We go to coffee houses and read poetry about Zombies being asshats and put posters up calling zombies jerks and telling people to sever the head or destroy the brain on sight. This was the poem I did today:

Zombie Hate Poem

In the election booth, the zombies vote down
another school funding proposal. Claiming
our children’s brains are only here to serve
as nourishment for stomachs, not culture and
and conversation.

”Every parent knows their kids suck, why else
do they banish them to public schools and
throw them down stairs? We do them a favor by
eating them,” one zombie said exiting the poles.

Another zombie currently sits in your favorite
restaurant, smoking cigarettes and screaming
fart jokes no one finds funny. His punch line
always involves throwing his decaying flesh on
someone’s plate.

Hey workers, wondering why you can’t get a
job? Why not ask the Zombie who doesn’t need
sleep, yea. He isn’t hard to find, he’s sitting at
your desk, all day and night.

That’s right, America for the living. Death to the
undead.

Oh yea, Zombies said your religion sucks almost
as much penis as the woman who carried
you in her womb for 9 months. And you smell.

Currently, we’ve yet to see any Zombies. Which goes to show what a great job we’re doing. We’re really making an impact and keeping the world safe for the living. And vampires. Man vampire chicks are hot. I’d like to fang me some of that!

Moving Bob the Ninja

2006-04-09T17:55:00.000-05:00

I spent the most of yesterday helping move my ninja buddy out of his old place. He’d recently fallen on some hard times with all the current war stuff going on. Some people may say an open war should really help a ninja out and give him tons of work. Unfortunately for him, most of the fighting and assassinations are taking place in the Middle East and Bob isn’t really into hot weather. Also, all he wears is black and that isn’t a great camouflage for a desert landscape. In addition to that, the government doesn’t hire “Free Lance” work these days. Weird, an organization that is famed for crushing unions and worker revolts like suffocating worms has a very tight and exclusive labor organization with some wicked job protection. The other side of the job market isn’t much better, most of their jobs involve blowing yourself up. Not a tempting job offer.

We had to load up the truck and take his stuff to his mom’s basement. I’ve helped guys move back home before, but none of them seemed as crashed as one who used to take life for a living. After the 8^th box of shuriken I was getting sick of carrying throwing stars.

”Look Bob, your mom’s basement can’t hold all this garbage. And that is what this box is filled with, garbage. Seriously dude, you need to watch some ‘Clean Sweep’ and organize this junk. How many ninja actually use 8 giant boxes of ninja stars?”

Bob was pretty upset, telling me how I didn’t know anything about his line of work and a “philosopher-poet” had no right to criticize anyone with a real profession. I learned a valuable lesson after this, telling someone you have more right to criticize their profession because they can’t find a job in it, when that profession is a ninja and he’s helping you carry a large box filled with tools of death is a bad idea. Long story short, he lost his security deposit.

Man, I hate helping people move.

A challenge to the women of the world.

2006-04-07T21:59:00.000-05:00

I’ve known for awhile that I can undress far faster than most people. I can even flash faster than the flash! As such, I’m issuing a challenge to all the attractive women in world. A naked contest. Who can undress the fastest? Myself or you? Granted, I may have an advantage because I don’t have to wear a bra, but you don’t have to either. Just a note. If you want to challenge me, lets get together at my place. We’ll both get dressed together, just to make sure no one has an extra advantage and at the starting of the clock, get naked as fast as possible in the best 2 out of 3 or 5 out of 7 times. More if necessary. Remember ladies, this isn’t just a contest, this a trial of the sexes!

Party?

2006-04-06T21:31:00.000-05:00

So I got this invitation to a party the other day. I would have told you about it sooner, but I didn’t want a lot of uninvited people showing up. The weirdest thing though, the person throwing it was dead. Was this stuff sent like, before their death or what? The post mark was after the ninja star accident, so I decided to go to find out. Maybe they faked it and are having an "I'm still living party." Perhaps she became a zombie or some other member of the undead and wanted to celebrate their new found immortality and feast on the guests.

When I arrived, I was really embarrassed at first. Everyone was dressed up, apparently this was a high class kind of deal. Odd given the party thrower's complete lack of class. Luckily I had a pretty cool sweater in the car, so I was able to pull off the "cool guy casual look." The catering wasn’t too good; I saw a huge line and figured the box at the end was where the food was kept. Probably a cooler or something filled with drinks. I started having a bad feeling with all the tears people had when they walked away. None of them had drinks either and I was starting worry the box was filled with Diet Rite. I promised myself I wouldn’t cry if that was the case.

Upon reaching my turn, I looked into the box and what did I see? A dead body! What kind of party was this? I was freakin’ out. Everyone was lining up to see this chick decked out and dead. Her mother noticed me totally losing it and pulled my head into her breasts, I’m not really sure why. Generally I wouldn’t mind, but this lady was doing this in front of her dead daughter and decided to throw it a party. She knew I was a poet and asked me to say something to the crowd.

So I walked up front and looked at everyone and this is what I said. “What is going on here people? There is a dead body in that box over there. A dead freakin’ body! Why is everyone dressed up for this? What, are you afraid of the being outdone by a corpse? I’ve noticed she looks way younger than she did when she was alive. So everyone decided they had to dress extra nice in order to compete? What, no one wants to remember those years or something? I mean, come on people, there’s a dead body in the room and you’re trying to out dress it! What, are you afraid someone may leave you for it? News flash, you don’t want to date someone into decaying shells! At least put it in the ground or something. We can’t just leave dead bodies all over the place as if it’s last week’s fad. Those things need to be disposed of otherwise we’re going to end up with another black plague or something."

At that point, I left. This was one party I didn’t want to stay with. By the outrage in everyone’s eyes, I think they agreed with me. This was one stupid idea of a party.

The Hug-o-tron 6000

2006-04-06T03:01:00.001-05:00

I’ve been beta testing my new hug machine. Sometimes people need hugs and I was like, how do we send them hugs without enslaving 1000’s of Chinese children to do our hug bidding? Simple, advanced robotics! The machine works through a series of variables upon viewing a target to determine if they need a hug. Based on cleanliness, posture, isolation, and other indications that may say how lonely they are. I’ve been noticing more people hiding from the world with cell phones and i-pods. This is a growing concern of mine and hopefully the Hug-o-tron can bring those poor souls back into the world they hate so much. I’ve even added a nice quota feature, if the machine hasn’t given so many hugs in a day, it’ll begin randomly assigning targets hugs. I bet this will be a nice addition, since the Hug-o-tron should make everyone happier and reduce the need for hugs. If the hug demand suddenly drops because everyone is happy, they may stop being happy if the Hug-o-tron stops giving hugs and the problem would start over again. And that would make me and everyone else sad.

Let’s just hope I don’t have a repeat of the Kitten-Cannon 400. Sometimes it’s worth the wait of delivering a kitten by foot and not firing it from a cannon at someone who needs cheering up.

Tacolord strikes the Blogs

2006-04-05T04:38:00.002-05:00

I’m starting to feel like Tyler Durden. Only instead of trying make a better society for the unseen masses the world that keep it running, I’m just trying to destroy logic. My neutral twin brother, MaximumTacolord, has been doing it for awhile at his website, www.tacolord.com. But I think he’s missing out on prime resources here in the blog world. Consider it, there are millions of people here who defy logic everyday and write about their life for dozens to ignore. These are soldiers without a general, I could be the general to lead them to edges of oblivion! With a little guidance I’m sure they’d stop eating dog food long enough to change the world. Hmm, perhaps Taco was right about ignoring the bloggers, but that’s no reason for me to stop now. There are no reasons.

In other news, So me and Jenni have been talking about bringing absurdity to relationships. We’ve experimented with boredom tactics, leaving your partner tied to the bed and walking away to play Tekken. It leaves them alone to wonder what will happen next. We’ve set up a bet to see how long it’d take the person tied up to go nuts. My wager rests around the three day marker. With a little luck, in three days I’ll be the proud owner of a new tickler. Apparently Jenni used to be a dominatrix, but one summer she left all her stuff in the garage and her mom took it. Now she doesn’t want it backIn retrospect, I don’t really care if I win this bet. But I do like the thought of Jenni in leather.

Shut up because I love you.